


Reality is only what you make it

by TheCuriousCat



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, South Park
Genre: Avengers go looking for the reality stone, Everyone/Everyone - Freeform, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, NO ONE ever expects the teens of South Park, Reader moves to South Park, South Park: Phone Destroyer AU, South Park: The Fractured But Whole, South Park: The Stick of Truth, The Avengers weren't ready for the teens of South Park, They expected to have it given to them, They find it in a stick, YOU are now a teen of South Park
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:40:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27689081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCuriousCat/pseuds/TheCuriousCat
Summary: You don't want to move to this little mountain town with your mother, two younger brothers, younger sister and baby niece (your sisters daughter)But here you are, standing in the cold as the movers shifted your boxes into your new home.You thought that this would be a boring little town until you heard a voice in your head that defiantly wasn't yours.Now... now your not sure what to think but it's not like you have time to figure it out with war on the horizon.
Relationships: Bebe Stevens/Craig Tucker, Bebe Stevens/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Bebe Stevens/Reader, Bebe Stevens/Tweek Tweak, Bebe Stevens/Wendy Testaburger, Clyde Donovan/Bebe Stevens, Clyde Donovan/Craig Tucker, Clyde Donovan/Kenny McCormick, Clyde Donovan/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Clyde Donovan/Reader, Clyde Donovan/Stan Marsh, Clyde Donovan/Tweek Tweak, Clyde Donovan/Wendy Testaburger, Craig Tucker/Reader, Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak, Eric Cartman/Bebe Stevens, Eric Cartman/Clyde Donovan, Eric Cartman/Craig Tucker, Eric Cartman/Kenny McCormick, Eric Cartman/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Eric Cartman/Reader, Eric Cartman/Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman/Tweek Tweak, Eric Cartman/Wendy Testaburger, Kenny McCormick/Bebe Stevens, Kenny McCormick/Craig Tucker, Kenny McCormick/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Kenny McCormick/Reader, Kenny McCormick/Tweek Tweak, Kenny McCormick/Wendy Testaburger, Kyle Broflovski/Bebe Stevens, Kyle Broflovski/Clyde Donovan, Kyle Broflovski/Craig Tucker, Kyle Broflovski/Eric Cartman, Kyle Broflovski/Kenny McCormick, Kyle Broflovski/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Kyle Broflovski/Reader, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski/Tweek Tweak, Kyle Broflovski/Wendy Testaburger, Leopold "Butters" Stotch/Craig Tucker, Leopold "Butters" Stotch/Reader, Leopold "Butters" Stotch/Tweek Tweak, Leopold "Butters" Stotch/Wendy Testaburger, Stan Marsh/Bebe Stevens, Stan Marsh/Craig Tucker, Stan Marsh/Kenny McCormick, Stan Marsh/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Stan Marsh/Reader, Stan Marsh/Tweek Tweak, Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger, Token Black/Bebe Stevens, Token Black/Clyde Donovan, Token Black/Craig Tucker, Token Black/Eric Cartman, Token Black/Kenny McCormick, Token Black/Kyle Broflovski, Token Black/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Token Black/Reader, Token Black/Stan Marsh, Token Black/Tweek Tweak, Token Black/Wendy Testaburger, Tweek Tweak/Reader, Wendy Testaburger/Craig Tucker, Wendy Testaburger/Reader, Wendy Testaburger/Tweek Tweak
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've decided to stop pretending that I have will power, I'm just going post all of my Ideas and update them when I can.

The trip towards your new home is filled with bickering, screaming and several near miss crashes. By the time you actually step out of the car in front of the red two-story house you, Mom and your siblings feel like kissing the ground. "A'ty!" Right. You turn back around and start unclipping your little niece, Sol (the personified sun), while the rest of your family starts unloading boxes. It's so cold out that your glad you decided to wear your [winter clothes](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/609885974516459577/) unlike your sibling who are shivering, your also glad you convinced your sister to put little Sol into [hers](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/433330795402551228/).

You're helping Sol make a tiny snowman while you wait for all of the boxes to be brought in (No one wanted Sol to be running around the house while they were trying to get everything in and you drew the short straw) when you hear a voice in your head that is most definitely not your own. 

" **Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion** " You blink and look around for the source of the voice... the only ones outside are you and Sol, you know for a fact that this isn't Sol mostly because she's still not that great with words.   
" **Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard.** " Seriously, where is this voice coming from?   
" **For a thousand years the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grad Wizard to protect his human follows.** " One of your younger brothers, Drew (The second oldest, a year younger than you), walks out to grab another box. You study him but it seems like he can't hear the voice.   
" **...man's most...** 'EY! Pay attention! I'm telling you a story here, ungrateful bitch." You blink in shock, the voice sounds annoyed and a tad hurt that you were ignoring them. You send feelings of regret at them and hope it works.  
"A'right, fine. Just don't do it again. This is important!" Wow, that actually worked? You settle down and continue to help Sol's out while listening.  
"Where did I lose you?" You send them the words 'Human Followers'. You can hear them huff.  
"I'd be pissed if it was any earlier. Okay. Ahem. **But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human's most treasured relic - the Stick of Truth.** " Sol beams at you as the snowman's shape is complete, you grab some random pebbles and hand them to her.  
" **But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a 'New' kid spreads throughout the land.** " You assume they're talking about you since this is in your head.  
" **In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid - before the Drow Elves can manipulate her mind and USE her, to take the sacred relic from the humans.** " Defiantly talking about you. Sol claps happily as she sticks the last pebble into the snowman, you pat her head making her laugh.  
" **For whomever controls the Stick... controls the universe...** Okay, backstory done. I'm sending someone to get you, don't talk to any dirty elves." You don't have a chance to reply as you feel the connection snap. 

WTF was that?!? Now that it's not happening anymore you suddenly remember that people shouldn't be able to do shit like that. Again, WTF. Sol, the happy little bean, has no idea about the panic running around your head as she tugs at your arm. "Ang's a'ty. Ang's!" She tugs again before falling backwards into the snow. Well... the voice DID say to wait... you sigh and fall back as well. Sol's laughs brightly as you both make snow angels in your new front yard.

**\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

"Well, I think that's everything." Drew calls out from inside making you sigh in relief. You've been standing out here rocking a sleeping Sol for half an hour at this point. You hurry back into the house and hand her over to Pamila (the third eldest, three years younger than you), she smiles as she takes her.

"We did it, we're really moved in!" Mom says happily as she pulls you all into a hug. 

"Do you really think that things will be better for her?" Pamila asks as she rocks Sol gently. We all know what she's asking, we did have to move because of her crazy ex after all. Mom is still angry that her 13 year old (now 15) daughter had been in a secret relationship with a 20 year old man (who was in jail now and under a restraining order for the rest of his life.)

" 'Course it will." Ashton (the youngest, six years younger than you) says bored. "Can we go now?"

Mom huffs but releases you all from the hug. "Yes, fine. You can go." She then turns to you with a smile. "I've put your stuff into the first room on the right honey. I've also left you some money so that you can go exploring." You smile back and give her an extra hug before you go and check out your new room. As soon as you enter it you hear a little 'oof' and see a... Quest notification? What the Hell?

 **New Quest:** _New Kid in Town_  
**!** _Find some kids to play with._

... Weird.

The room it's self isn't much, light grey walls, dark grey carpet. There is a white door which leads to a closet on the left, next to it a mouse hole which isn't a good sign in your opinion. On the left side of the room is also a table with your globe on it and a chest of draws. Your bed is next, pushed right under the rooms large window, at its foot is an empty toy chest left by the previous owners. The last things in the room are a second chest of draws and a wooden desk with a chair tucked under it that sit on the rooms right. You set up a few of your art things next to the desk which you plop Brizo (Greek goddess of sailors) onto, she swims happily. You also find $0.50 in your closet which you happily add to the $4.34 in your pocket.

The money Mom promised is sitting on the desk, $2.00, you grab it and add it to your money pocket as well before heading out.

**Current Inventory =** _$6.84_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grand Wizard: Ey, new kids here. Paladin Butters! Go get 'er.
> 
> Paladin Butters: R-right away Grand Wizard.
> 
> *Paladin Butters runs from Kupa Keep*
> 
> Princess Kenny: Mhm mm mhrf?
> 
> Grand Wizard: Yes Princess Kenny, she's hot as fuck. 
> 
> Princess Kenny: MHMM!


	2. Chapter 2

You notice to the left of your house there is now a road block stating that beyond that point it becomes Elf Territory. Behind you your two brothers and sister step out, each of them looking a little shaken. You take out your phone.

 **Me.** What's wrong?

You type into your group chat, they all glance down at their phones.

"... You didn't so happen to hear a voice in your head that wasn't your own right?" asks Ashton quietly. You nod before typing a new massage.

 **Me.** Yes, I'm to wait for whoever the 'Grand Wizard' sends and not talk to any Elves. What about you?

"So the voices are different." Drew muses. "I'm to report to a space station."

"I've been summoned to the fay kingdom." Pamila adds.

"Pirates." Ashton says more confidently.

 **Me.** Well this sounds fun if not really suspect. Are you guys going?"

Ashton actually raises an eyebrow at you. " _ **Pirates**_ " You huff but nod, you really want to go as well.

Pamila and Ashton walk to the right and completely through the teen dressed as an elf attacking the blond teen in craft armor while Drew walks to the left (right through the blockade like it isn't even there) You don't have much time to question it since the blond teen lets out a shout of pain. 

As you rush over the world around you warps into a fantasy town, the two teens warp too. The first becoming an actual elf with real pointy ears and everything. The blond's craft armor turns into full plate armor and the hammer in his hand turns into an actual Warhammer that you'd see in games. This is so strange.

"You shall die by my Warhammer, drow elf!" The blond in armor shouts as you punch the elf in the side.

"Hey, no fair. That's cheating." The elf snarls before he takes off, jumping over the road block (Now a bush made entirely of thorns).

"Thanks, new kid. I didn't realize he had a health potion." He says as smiles sweetly at you. "My-my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a Paladin. I live right next to you! We should be friends!" Oh my god, he's precious. The sudden need to protect this paladin is strong. 

You hold out your phone and smile happily at the bright smile on his face as he adds his number. When he hands it back you find out that he's added you to a group chat and already added a message.

 **Butters.** Hey, everybody! There's a new kid playing with us, and me and her are friends! That way nobody picks on her.

You type out a quick greeting then follow Paladin Butters.

 **Me.** Hello.

"Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard king! He's been talking about your arrival! The Wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there." Paladin Butters informs you as you walk past his house and towards the green house next to it. He walks up to the door, knocks, then steps away from it. A few seconds later it's opened by a slightly chubby brown haired teen with literal magic crackling around him. "All hail the Grand Wizard!" Paladin Butters cheers.

The Grand Wizard shoots him a slightly soft look before turning to you, Paladin Butters smiles a little brighter. "So, you are the new kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard king." You recognize this voice! It was the one in your head earlier today! "But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom." He says as he steps to the side so that you can enter. Paladin Butters smiles encouragingly at you so you swallow any lingering doubt and enter.

* * *

The inside of the Grand Wizards house looks like it is untouched by whatever is warping the world which is quite jarring but Paladin Butters keeps sending you sweet smiles and the Grand Wizard keeps sending you understanding looks which makes it all slightly better.

"Oh who's your new friend Eric?" Asks the woman sitting on the couch.

"Shut up mom, not now." You blink in shock as she just smiles at the Grand Wizard then fades from view, Paladin Butters gently takes your arm and pulls you along after him. What the hell is going on?!

* * *

The Grand Wizard waits for you to step into his back yard before he spreads his arms wide. "Welcome... to the kingdom of Kupa Keep!" 

Wow... he's not wrong. It actually hurt your head a bit trying to rationally explain how he could fit an entire small town in his back yard. TARDIS Yard, that's what your now calling it to stop the headache. 

He leads you down the cobblestone road before stopping at a weapons shop. "Our weapons shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior." Warrior Clyde looks you up and down then gives you a slightly heated look with an added grin. The Grand Wizard then takes your arm leads you away, in the corner of your eyes you see Warrior Clyde's grin grow as he eyes the hand on your arm. 

After five minutes of walking (TARDIS Yard, TARDIS Yard!) the Grand Wizard stops in front of a stable. "Here you can see our massive stables." They are quite large but you can only see a house cat and the brunet teen going to feed it. "Overseen by the level 9 ranger Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes." Ranger Scott tosses a large beef steak into the air and the cat (Not a cat! Fuck! NOT A CAT!) opens it's mouth wide, several tentacles burst forth and shred the steak into little bits before yanking them into it's mouth. The not-cat then looks you in the eye and licks it's paws with a cat tongue. Right, message received.

"And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom." The Grand Wizards says as he leads you away from the not-cat and towards the teen with the long blond braided hair and jewel incrusted dress. She turns and smiles at you sweetly but her eyes linger on your chest and hips as she looks you over. The Grand Wizard leans in slightly and whispers into your ear. " _Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now..._ " After he says that you realize that Princess Kenny's face does have some masculine tones to it. 

Your lack of reaction seems to pass some test if the Grand Wizards brief smile is to be believed. He steps back and makes a gesture that means you should explore so you do. You wonder around this impossible town in awe, the not-cat even lets you pet it when you leave your hand over the side of the pen long enough. At one point you spot a flower that holds the same color scheme as Princess Kenny's dress, you find yourself picking it before feeling the sudden need to return to the castle. (TARDIS Yard, just keep repeating it) The Grand Wizard waits for you at the main gate with Paladin Butters and Princess Kenny, before you 'speak' to the Grand Wizard you hand the flower to Princess Kenny. 

Her smile widens as she takes it then she locks eyes with you as she smells it. "This is a beautiful gift, what ever shall I do to reward you?" The deep sultry edge to her voice (that is oddly muffled even though you can't see anything covering her mouth) makes your stomach do flips, the look she gives you over the flower makes your cheeks flush. To stop yourself from embarrassing yourself you shove your phone at her. She chuckles deeply as she takes it (you swear that she dragged her fingers across yours on purpose) and types in her number before handing it back.

When you turn to the Grad Wizard he seems oddly amused at your exchange before speaking to you. "You have been sought out new kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very exited. It is time for your first quest, but first - please tell us thy name." You type your name into your notepad on your phone then show it to him. "You entered 'Douchebag' Is that correct?" You blink, check your phone (Nope, still your name), then look back at him and shake your head. "Are you sure you want to keep the name 'Douchebag'?" Princess Kenny's shoulders are shaking and Paladin Butters is looking away from you. You shake your head again and see Princess Kenny cover her mouth, the Grand Wizard keeps a strait face but you can see amusement sparkling in his eyes. "Very well, Douchebag. You will now chose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, and Jew."

You blink at the last one but when he hands you four cards there it is 'Jew'. You look over them carefully before selecting the Thief card. As soon as you do a black hooded [cloak](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/640918590717868897/) appears over your shoulders and a pair of black [gloves](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/522417625525582084/) appear on your hands.

"We welcome you to our kingdom Douchebag the thief!" The Grand Wizard calls drawing your attention back to him just as Paladin Butters cheers happily "Now, please go visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight!"

As soon as the conversation ends you hear the 'oof' sound again followed a completed quest sign.

 **Quest completed:** _A flower for a Princess_

This place is so odd.

You take the five minute walk from the castle to the weapons shop thinking about your younger siblings. If they are going through anything like what you are then they must be having a great time. The bell attached to the weapons shop door jingles as you step through the doorway. Warrior Clyde looks up from the shops counter where he sits polishing a sword then grins as he sees you.

"Would you like to see my wares, little thief?" His voice is low and and slightly nasally as he places his sword down, your drawn in slightly until he speaks again. This time you don't miss the smug undertones. "Perhaps you would like to hear some tips and rumors for two dollars?" You narrow your eyes and point at the only weapon that has the word Thief next to it, a black [dagger](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/AfJWqYD7bl1fDOQV9Ltm1pVwHiGYLzPR_ayCxv23BkbgskvI5NtvoLo/) with a little [knife](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/154459462198787693/) next to it. "That'll be two dollars and thirty-four cents" He says, you narrow your eyes further but willingly part with the $2.34. "Come again!" He calls smugly as you walk out the door and bump into the Grand Wizard.

"Ah, you have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a knight -- beat up Warrior Clyde." You blink in shock.

"What?" Warrior Clyde asks in shock.

"Kick Warrior Clyde's ass, Thief Douchebag."

"What'd I do?!" Warrior Clyde asks in confusion.

"I'm the KING, Warrior Clyde, and the king wishes to be amused." The Grand Wizard says but you see him wait for Warrior Clyde to sigh and nod before he continues. "Go on, Thief Douchebag, kick his ass."

**Current Inventory:**

_$4.50_

_Rogue's Dagger. 10-15 (x3) damage. Bloody surge (1 PP on Perfect Attack on bleeding targets.)_

_Knife._

_Thief's hood of sneakiness. Bloody weakness (Defense down on Perfect Attack vs bleeding targets.)_

_Thief's armor of Absorption. Bulky (Increases max HP by 5)_

_Thief's Gloves of Profit. Magnets (Gain 10% additional money.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Princess Kenny smiling as she looks at her new flower*
> 
> Paladin Butters: Thief Douchebag sure is nice, isn't she Princess Kenny.
> 
> Princess Kenny: Mhm mm mhrf, mrf mm muf.
> 
> Paladin Butters: Princess Kenny! Such language is unbefitting of a lady of your standing.
> 
> Princess Kenny: Mrhumf mr mm?
> 
> Paladin Butters: A lady of you standing should say it like this. 'The lovely Thief Douchebag is not only kind but also a beauty that might rival my own. As a reward for her gift I would like her to join me in my royal bed chamber for a nigh.'
> 
> Princess Kenny: Mhm mm mhrf mrf mm muf mrhumf mr mm. Mm mhrf mhm mm mhrf mrhumf mm.
> 
> Paladin Butters: Somehow you still manage to make it sound unladylike my Princess. Truly a gift.


	3. Chapter 3

So everything you said about this being fun was a lie, a big old fat lie and you would like to go home now please. You have no idea why when buying a fucking dagger it didn't occur to you that they might make you **use it!** You stand here in this arena shaking in you stupid cloak and your stupid gloves while holding your dagger in front of you. Warrior Clyde isn't fazed in the least but then again he was a level 14 and his sword looked sharp as fuck.

He looks you in the eye and smirks. "I'm going to kick your ass!"

The Grand Wizard cuts him off before he can move. "Warrior Clyde, you have to wait your turn!"

"That's lame." He complains

"No, Warrior Clyde, it's like the olden times. You have to wait your turn. Like in the middle ages, Warrior Clyde!" The Grand Wizard shouts from atop his throne. To his left sits Princess Kenny and to his right stands Paladin Butters. In the rest of the seats are random teens you haven't met. "I know it's lame, Warrior Clyde, but that's how we're fucking doing it!" Warrior Clyde huffs but doesn't fight it. "Alright, Thief Douchebag, bash Warrior Clyde's face in! Don't be shy." WTF you could of sworn that they liked each other! Why the hell does the Grand Wizard want you to kill someone he clearly like?!

"It won't kill me!" Calls Warrior Clyde from the other end of the arena, you send him a look that states how much you believe him. "Really, it won't. It's the magic of this place. Sure, it'll hurt like fuck but I won't die. Trust me!" You swallow and roll your shoulders back.

Okay, you can do this. You won't kill him, you can do this. You take a deep breath then run up to him, you hear a strange *Ching* and know that is your que. Your dagger cuts a shallow line in his cheek on each of the three hits and you see a flash of text appear over his head. 

**'121/122'**   
**'120/122'**   
**'119/122'**

"Oh hell yeah! Warrior Clyde's your bitch!" The Grand Wizard call out in glee before getting serious. "All right, Warrior Clyde's wearing armor. In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Warrior Clyde as hard as you can."

You conference in what Warrior Clyde said earlier grows at seeing how little you damaged him so you follow the Grand Wizards advice and darted up to Warrior Clyde. In stead of three little hits, when you hear the *Ching* you put all of your weight into the swing before darting back. The slice crossing his chin is deep and bleeds sluggishly, dripping onto the floor in front of him.

**'111/122'**

"Suck!" Warrior Clyde hisses.

"Oh shit, chick, I see blood! Fucking nice, brah! That's exactly what you do to guys with armor like that." It's a little worrying seeing them all getting into this but Warrior Clyde doesn't seem pissed that they are cheering you on, if anything he seems just as please that your proving to be a challenge to him. "Okay, listen up. The key to battle is to not get hit in the balls or boobs. Warrior Clyde, it's your turn to attack. Thief Douchebag, protect your boobs."

Warrior Clyde changes his stance and looks you in the eyes. He smirks and makes a show of wiping some of the blood off of his chin. "Prepare yourself!" He says in that smug voice of his.

He launches towards you so fast that you miss the *Ching* and get hit in the chest with his sword. You hiss in pain as you feel the slash before he backs away from you.

**'81/90'**

"No, no. I said PROTECT. PROTECT your boobs." The Grand Wizard says unhelpfully.

Your annoyance and pain make sure you swing your dagger up at the right time. Warrior Clyde's sword clashes with your dagger and hurts your wrist but you don't get cut again so that's a plus.

**'77/90'**

"YES!! That's what I'm talking about. Chick, you're already WAY better than Warrior Clyde." Well that was rude, Warrior Clyde seems to think so too if the look he shoots the Grand Wizard is any indication Paladin Butters sends him an apologetic look as the Grand Wizard continues. "All right. It is time to use your heroic powers. Using your abilities uses power points, or PP for short." 

Warrior Clyde's tuff guy act drops immediately as he bursts into laughter. "PP..."

This angers the Grand Wizard. "IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER NAME FOR THEM THEN FUCKING SAY IT, WARRIOR CLYDE! FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M THE KING, AND I SAY IT'S PP! Thief Douchebag, use your thief ability to make Warrior Clyde pay for insulting the king!" When he sits back don't Princess Kenny leans over and whispers something in his ear that makes him calm down instantly. 

You wonder what she said for a moment before you slam a smoke bomb down on the ground, you use the obscured vision to get behind Warrior Clyde and you use your knife to stab him in the back before darting back to your spot. You start to feel bad when you see him clutching his side in pain but then his eyes narrow on you and you know that when it's his turn to attack you'll be getting the same treatment. The gloves where off. Shit.

**'58/122'**

"Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Thief Douchebag. Now... do it one more time. Finish him!" The Grand Wizard demands from his throne.

"What? I was going easy. Take this!" He looks you in the eye and yells. "Suck it!" as he charges.

You manage to block the first hit, sustaining more damage to your wrist, but not the second. The tip of hit blade sinks into your shoulder before he rips it out. Fuck that hurts!

**'72/90'**   
**'63/90'**

As Warrior Clyde steps back he winces as some blood spurts out of his side.

**'45/122'**

You really don't want to deal with Warrior Clyde's revenge anymore since it fucking hurts so you toss another smoke bomb onto the floor, you then get back behind him and you watch him drop with a cry of pain as you shank him again. 

**'0/122'**

* * *

Paladin Butters feeds Warrior Clyde a bag of crisps while the Grad Wizard comes over to you with a joyous smile and a bright laugh. "Chick, that was awesome! You were like BRAMMGMG! And Warrior Clyde was like 'ARGGG NOO!!!'" He descends into further laughter. While he's laughing and clinging to your side to stop from falling you look over to Warrior Clyde, he's standing now and seems to be also watching you. He meets your eyes and nod with a small smile. No hard feelings then, good, you smile back. "Okay, okay. You've proven yourself worthy, Thief Douchebag. Now, come inside the war room and I shall let you see the relic." The Grand Wizard takes your hand and leads you into the castle.

You can feel the magic crackle as soon as you step through the gate, the marble walls are filled with hanging drapes and all the wooden doors you pass are filled with intricate carvings. As the Grand Wizard starts to pull you around a corner you spot Princess Kenny pushing Warrior Clyde into a room, she spots you and gives you a filthy smile before Warrior Clyde's hand grabs the front of her dress. He yanks her inside causing her to laugh before the door closes. Okay, so they're a thing... maybe...

The war room is massive and filled with items that spark with unconstrained magic. All but one of them sit atop golden spires that twist above reach, the Grand Wizard leads you to the only one on ground level. "Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die.." The bloody red glow of the relic across the Grand Wizard's face making his words seem more sinister. "The stick of Truth." 

As if answering to it's name the stick pulses with the red power that seeps from it's cracks, the heavy red mist curls around the floor. Spilling almost playfully over your feet and around your ankles, after a few seconds you feel a spark of fondness that you know for sure isn't your own before the mist recedes. Once the mist is only curling around the base of it's podium the Grand Wizard speaks again. 

"Just two days ago, we took the Stick of Truth back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe." He says then, suddenly, he covers your eyes. "Don't glaze at it to long! For it's power is too much for mere mortals to look at!" You feel a faint pulse of playfulness and freeze. He wasn't lying, oh god! This Stick was sentient and playing this game with these teens as a character. What the hell did your family get themselves into when you all moved here?! The Grand Wizard continues as if your not having internal horrifying epiphanies. "Now that you've been accepted by the Stick of Truth, let's discus your dues." Wait, what? "Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety-five for the first week,..." Are you KIDDING ME! "... four dollars of which is tax deductible -" He's interrupted by Paladin Butters shoutings of Alarm throughout the castle. "Someone has sounded the alarm!" He says like you can't hear, he's so lucky they were interrupted before you could stab him. Getting you hooked then telling you that you had to PAY to keep playing, asshole.

"Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!" Paladin shouts as he races towards them, you see several doors open before Paladin Butters body blocks view. 

"What is it?" The Grand Wizard demands as magic glows from his hands.

"The elves are attacking!" Paladin Butters yells slightly out of breath, you hear footsteps pounding towards the front of the castle from behind him.

"Oh my God! Defensive positions!" The Grand Wizard yells as he barges out of the room, this when you realize that he's still holding your hand. Paladin Butters speeds next to you as you are half dragged to a balcony overlooking and small army of elves. "Man the gate! Don't let them through!" He shouts at a guard before turning towards the elves.

"Give us the Stick humans!" The elf in the front shouts, you see his eyes briefly narrow on the hand still in the Grand Wizards before he refocuses. You have a feeling that's not a good sign.

"Fuck you, drow elf! Come and get it!" The Grand Wizard shouts before storming back into the castle. Paladin Butters splits off from you as he rushes off towards a squadron of guards, Warrior Clyde skids around a corner looking slightly flushed and ruffled but the expression on his face is serious all the same. "WARRIOR CLYDE! GUARD THE STICK OF TRUTH WHILE WE DEFEND THE CASTLE!" The Grand Wizard shouts as he storms past.

"Aye, aye!" Warrior Clyde shouts as he runs to the war room.

Once you make it to the front gate the Grad Wizard finally drops your hand so he can put both of his own on your shoulder. "Thief Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. HOLD THE ASSHOLE ELVES OFF AT ALL COSTS!!!" He roars as he lets you go and shoves open the gate, your swept up in the group of guards and pushed out.

* * *

It's a bloodbath though it helps you to still see that the fallen are still breathing, the Grand Wizard stands at the gate surrounded with violently crackling magic while Princess Kenny stands tall on one of the upper balconies with her bright pink bow at the ready. You hear a shout of pain from Paladin Butters and charge in that direction, you manage to save him but in doing so you end up jumped by two of them.

* * *

The one with the bow shoots you, you hiss in pain as the arrow loges it's self in your shoulder.

**'56/90'**

"Your wounded, Thief Douchebag! Potions will heal you! Here!" You hear the Grand Wizard yell before something soft bounces off the side of your head, it looks like the bag of crisps that Paladin Butters used to heal Warrior Clyde. You waste no time in opening it and shoving a handful into your mouth much to the anger of the elves your facing. The arrow is pushed back out of your shoulder. Freaky but cool.

**'90/90'**

The elf with the sword runs up and swings at you rapidly but you block them all (it hurts your wrist a little but less than last time) and he's knocked to the floor, not one to let an opportunity pass you quickly stab him with your dagger.

**'89/90'**   
**'87/90'**

**'22/30'**

It's your turn (you have a weird feeling in your head telling you this) so you attach the archer, he's currently the one that has taken the most damage from you. You slice him right across the chest, he goes down with a cry of pain.

**'0/12'**

You don't see the swing of the warrior until his blade is slicing across your arm.

**'85/90'**

You use the same full force hit on the warrior as you did on the archer. He goes down with the same shout.

**'0/30'**

* * *

True to your name, you decide to loot the bodies before you move on. The elves glare at you but don't try and stop you. You get $0.38, a small health potion and $0.55 in miscellaneous items. Once you've pocketed the items you launch yourself at the elves attacking Ranger Scott.

* * *

The archer shoots at you from where he's hiding behind the warrior, your dagger blocks the arrow from hitting you but you feel a slight pain run down your arm.

**'85/90'**

You attack the warrior but he easily counters you and you end up with a slash down your left arm. Fucking OW!

**'75/90'**

"Here my little Thief!" You hear Princess Kenny shout towards you, you look up just in time to catch a [bow](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/819162619719058453/) and some arrows. They are the exact opposite of sneaky but your not complaining. "Be good for me little Thief and snipe a bitch!" She calls in that deep suggestive tone of hers before she goes back to shooting other elves. Well, who are you to ignore a direct request from your princess?

You notch two arrows and send them both at the archer. He goes down.

**'9/21'**   
**'0/21'**

The warrior switches his stance so it looks like he's ready to swing a bat... It looks like he's expecting you to shoot him too so you quickly swing the bow onto your back and charge with your dagger. You put all of you weight into your swing and manage to slash him right across the face and when he staggers but doesn't fall you do it again.

**'18/51'**   
**'0/51'**

* * *

As you loot these (Gaining: $0.66 and $0.10 in miscellaneous items) bodies you think about how violent this game is making you. Before you entered this TARDIS town you would have never **stabbed** someone... Maybe you should stop playing? As soon as the thought passes your mind you see a pair of elves attacking the not-cat, you are attacking them at it's pitiful cry of pain. Who the fuck hits a small cat?

* * *

You attack the one with the shield first with your light three point strike because the one with the Warhammer is in the same stance as the warrior that countered you. The first two hits break his shield while the third stab to the gut drops him.

**'0/15'**

The other blinks shocked as you violently beat down his comrade and you see that he's fallen out of his previous stance. You use the opportunity the launch an attack him.

**'14/40'**

Your attach breaks him out of his shock, he swings the Warhammer. You manage to swing your dagger up to stop the brunt of the damage but you still feel you HP drop.

**'85/90'**

He trips and hits the floor so you stab him in the back.

**'13/40'**

You chase him as he runs back to his spot and cut him down with a slash to the back.

**'0/40'**

* * *

Before you can loot these bodies the lead elf runs past shouting to retreat, the fallen (including the ones you were just about to loot, damn it) get up and run from the human kingdom. The Grand Wizard seems to be over the moon with the news as he joins the remains of his standing army.

"YES! Awesome, dude! THAT THAT YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! WE STILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE!" He shouts in glee, he even starts to dance a little until Warrior Clyde comes up.

"It's gone." He says in a dead voice, the Grand Wizard freezes and looks at him.

"What?" The Grad Wizard asks.

"The Stick of Truth. The elves got it." He says, everything is silent for a moment the the Grand Wizard explodes.

"THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB WARRIOR CLYDE!! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!! Warrior Clyde... you are hereby BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!!" The Grand Wizard yells before slamming his staff on the ground, Warrior Clyde's shocked face fades from view until it's like he was never there to begin with. A few seconds later you get a text message.

 **Clyde.** Fuck you, new kid. Things were fine until you showed up. I'll get you back for this, I swear.

You swallow, you didn't want this to happen. You quickly type out a message.

 **Me.** I didn't mean it I promise.   
**Me.** I'll try to change his mind.  
 **Me.** I'm really sorry!

_Read_

Well fuck.

**Current Inventory:**

_$5.45_

_Rogue's Dagger. 10-15 (x3) damage. Bloody surge (1 PP on Perfect Attack on bleeding targets.)_

_Knife._

_Thief's hood of sneakiness. Bloody weakness (Defense down on Perfect Attack vs bleeding targets.)_

_Thief's armor of Absorption. Bulky (Increases max HP by 5)_

_Thief's Gloves of Profit. Magnets (Gain 10% additional money.)_

_Bow of Sucking._

_One small health potion._

_$0.65 in miscellaneous items._

* * *

[Human City](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/725783296172582849/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clyde. I want you to out Thief the new kid Feldspar!  
> Clyde. I want her heart on a fucking platter!  
> Clyde. I want her stollen right from under the Grand fucking Wizards fat fucking nose!  
> Clyde. She will serve my kingdom of darkness or die.  
> Clyde. ...  
> Clyde. ...  
> Clyde. ... Feldspar?  
> Clyde. Fuck.   
> Clyde. I forgot you were in detention.  
> Clyde. Sorry.  
> Clyde. I still want it done though.


End file.
